The Newborn Stage – I Didn’t Like it

Truth bomb

 Okay, I’m about to get real raw with y’all. Having a newborn is hard, everyone knows this, but sometimes I think there is a misconception about how you’re supposed to feel when you bring a newborn home. Did you know that it’s totally possible to be completely enamoured and in love with your newest addition, while also hating the stage you’re in? Because it is. I felt this way.

I felt out of place

I NEVER hated my baby. I love Raelee more than anything and have from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but when people say newborns are HARD, they mean it! Initially, I felt so out of place. Having a C-section (for my full birth story, click here!) restricted me with what I was able to help with for those first couple weeks and it felt so strange to do the things I actually was able to help with because I ultimately had no idea what I was doing! I knew I loved her, but I didn’t know much of anything else.

The first few weeks really were okay, they were an adjustment but they were okay. Despite recovering, the lack of sleep and the struggle that is learning how to breastfeed, things didn’t start truly getting difficult for me until Josh deployed. I actually ended up staying with my parents after he left. I will be forever grateful to them for that. I think they helped me keep what little sanity I had left. 

Colic

Raelee was an extremely colicky baby. For those who don’t know what colicky means, it’s basically a broad term for saying that the baby is uncomfortable, most likely involving their digestive system, and so they cry, a lot. A freaking lot. The first few months of her life, if Raelee was awake, she was 9 times out of 10, SHRIEKING. Understandably, this became pretty difficult for my mental state. I was exhausted, I was living with my parents but I was lonely without Josh and I was listening to a screaming newborn every hour of the day. It wasn’t easy.

I felt helpless

Personally, the hardest part of the screaming for me wasn’t the noise itself, but rather the fact I felt entirely helpless. My poor, sweet, brand new baby, was clearly so uncomfortable and in pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. I tried walking her, patting her, shushing her, nursing her, I tried everything and nothing helped. I took her to the doctor multiple times because clearly, something wasn’t right. The only answer they had for me was she was on the colic spectrum and I could try removing eggs and dairy from my diet. Ultimately, I couldn’t make my baby feel better and that was the most defeating feeling. 

Raelee’s colic was also different than your typical colicky baby. She didn’t have set “witching hours,” she just cried all day and night long. There would be nights that she would, and I’m not exaggerating, scream until she passed out. She wouldn’t gradually calm herself into sleeping. She would cry and scream and then suddenly stop and be asleep. Again, exhausting. 

Then vs. Now

Typically colic settles down around month three, so they say. For us, it truly got better probably more around month five? Honestly, it’s a bit of a blur so I can’t say for certain. The thing is, I hated that period. I didn’t hate Raelee, but I hated the newborn phase. It kicked my butt. Raelee now is the happiest little thing. Sure, she has stranger danger, and cries in the car, or when she’s hungry or tired. But that’s so incredibly different as I’m at least able to comfort her through it. 

It’s okay to feel this way

So mama, if you’re in that newborn phase and your baby is colicky, or even if your baby isn’t colicky. It’s OKAY if it isn’t your cup of tea, it’s okay to even go so far as to say you don’t like it. You love your baby, but you’re not a fan of the phase they’re in. There is nothing that says you have to like every single second of motherhood and your child’s temperament. As long as you love them with everything you have, are doing your best, and remember that it DOES get better. You are not a bad mother because you are struggling with your current situation.